The holiday season is always an interesting one for me. This one was no exception and particularly different...but no matter how much I try to prepare myself, I never know what emotions will strike me, nor when. I have to be honest and say that I spend a lot of time praying that I will be able to revel in the joy of the season, of others and not be reminded at every turn that there is not my own family to be engrossed in.
Being single for so long, I have become accustomed to laying down my dreams and grieving, in a sense, for the loss of those hopes, those dreams that are associated with finding love and having a family. I thought that I had dealt with a lot of them. But this Christmas, one appeared that I had not even considered before. It happened after a conversation with my sister about her experiences with the grandmas in her Christmas and about what kind of grandma she wanted to be. And reality is sometimes harsh, but undeniable...there is a strong possibility that I will never be a grandma. There will come a time when my siblings have their own children and grandchildren to celebrate Christmas with and I wonder ...
I have been more than blessed with amazing grandmas in my life...and
perhaps even more because I have been single, I have had conversations
and time with them that I treasure and cherish. I miss my grandma who made Christmas (and so many other things) so special, and my heart hurts for the sadness and struggles that my other grandma is experiencing. Maybe that's why it
struck especially hard this year. And so this Christmas season, amidst the joy and celebrations, I wept for the loss of that dream - of no grandchildren to wait for, to hold, to delight in, to pray for, to cherish.
There are so many things that I am grateful for in my life and so many ways in which I am blessed...but I think that it is okay to pause and to grieve for this dream... knowing that if someday God does choose to give it back to me it will be so much more than I deserve.
