Messy

So I'm the girl who used to spend awhile (we don't really need to be put a time frame on it, do we?)  in front of the mirror to make sure that every hair was where it was suppose to be. I remember the frustration if it didn't look just right or if I couldn't get that piece to lay just where I wanted it. But tonight I walked past the mirror and was struck by the messiness of my hair. I had haphazardly pulled it away from my face and just let it be - and it was one of those rare moments when I thought, "Huh, I sorta look beautiful."

Imagine that... I was so struck by the parallel to my life. There was a time when life didn't seem so messy - I could explain a lot of it, and put things in their place. When life didn't make sense, I just worked at it and pretty soon, it straightened out. But now... there is a lot that can't be explained or even rationalized. No matter what I do, how long I work to make it right, sometimes it's just messy. If there's anything that I'm recognizing, it's that too often there isn't a place for everything. Sometimes life's just messy. Maybe it is the messiness in our lives that is actually beautiful. Imagine that...

So I want to be messy - to not make excuses for it, to not try to fix it, but to look for the beauty in it. Life is messy, but I'm beautiful in spite of it, and I pray, maybe even because of it.

Craving

For a long time I have struggled with the part of being single that feels selfish...basically getting to do what I want when I want to and not really having to think much of anyone else. I think about the mothers that I know whose time is not their own and marvel at how selfless they have to be. But I wonder if there isn't also a part of singleness that is teaching me to be less selfish. It is the part of me that wants it to be about me...that longing to be the most important person to someone, for the presence and the conversation that focuses on my day...it is that craving to be significant to just one other.

I think that God is trying to teach me that in order to love like He does, I have to be willing to give more than I get and to love without the expectation of reciprocation. 'Cause it's really never just about me, and it never should be. How I desire that ability to love full out without needing affirmation back or even the knowledge that it was noticed or appreciated. How I long to surrender, everyday, to that selfishness in me that wants to be significant. It is a battle that I lose a lot of days. But on the days where there is victory? What great delight... I rest in the significance I find in His presence, His grace, His love...and I find myself craving more of that kind of selflessness.