Sometimes I wish that I wasn't the type of person who thought about everything, who analyzed conversations and interactions again and again. It's exhausting sometimes. It's often overwhelming. It certainly isn't a sleep promoter! I thought I was getting better at letting go and remembering the God who understands it all and controls it so much better. The past couple of weeks have been a battery of thoughts, questions, analyzing. My brain hurts. I feel sort of like I have been in a wrestling match. I was just reading online a pastor's description of the wrestling match between Jacob and God. He spoke about the turning point when God touched Jacob and how Jacob would have had to cling instead of wrestle. In his desperation and clinging, he continues to ask, but his heart is changed. I'm not sure that I'm there yet, to the clinging with a changed heart . . . I still feel like I'm wrestling.
I am starting to wonder if marriage is really all it's made out to be. Perhaps it's just better (and easier) to forget about it. But as soon as I say that and start to feel it in my heart, I am bombarded with everything relationship. I go to Bible study and all we talk about is how God's ultimate design is relational. His very nature is relational (three persons). And His design of marriage actually mimics His relational nature. In Genesis, He actually pauses to point out that it is not good for man to be alone. Why? It's not because He made a mistake (it wasn't good like everything else) . . . rather, it seems to be He pauses to make a divine statement about His very nature. God is and created social order, with marriage/family as a display of that part of His character - to mirror the authority, submission, respect, love and honor that is a part of His relational nature and His design for marriage.
So then I am left to wonder . . . can we not just say that being single is the fallen part of this world? I know that Paul talks about how being single is actually better, but isn't relational living, that ultimate display of the nature of God, the redeemed design? And if that's the case, why can't we start talking about relationships Biblically, about singleness as a result of the fall? When does the discussion begin about how Godly relationships look and should be carried out? What true dating and courtship should be about? How to truly display the character and nature of God in our relationships? How to combat the lies of the world that say that we can do what we want, be what we want . . . that in fact, doesn't being single allow us to do that, and so shouldn't we strive for that singleness longer? When will it be okay to call out the role of men in leading and pursuing relationships? When will it be okay for women to be pursued? And, I guess if being single is better, then what does that mean about how relationships look in that life?
And I wonder why we can't, as Christians, speak to truth. Isn't there ultimate truth that begs us to speak it, to display it? There is a right and a wrong - not everything is gray. Isn't that gray area just really a way to make ourselves feel better for not living or speaking the right and the wrong? I'm all about grace, but shouldn't it be founded on the fact that there is truth?
So I am wrestling with what that means, what it looks like, how to do it. And I'm fighting to understand it, fighting against the fallen-ness of the world. And I know that the only true way to accomplish that is to cling to the God of all truth, which I suppose means that at sometime I have to stop wrestling . . . I just wish I knew what that looked like.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
The Random Thoughts that are this Day
Random thoughts that have peppered my day . . .
- I am so impressed when others notice the little things. When someone will say thank you for a seemingly small task or recognize the things that you do that you think no one ever sees. There is something about that that makes you feel so appreciated and seen. I want to be better at speaking to those things in other people.
- I'm not really sure why it takes thirty plus years to even begin to understand that just as you are, you are loved by the Creator. Why is it that the opinions of others matter so much, and the truth of what God says seems to be pushed aside? Why do I constantly feel like I have to be different for others to really like me? Isn't it enough that God loves me . . . doesn't that mean that if others don't like me or think I'm all that special, it's their loss?
- Sometimes I feel like I am constantly trying to justify where I've come from and the things that God has been teaching me (or continues to have to try to teach me). I want so much to rejoice in those lessons, to have the vision to see where I have been and really understand where I am now. Knowing that where I am now is right where He wants me to be.
- I'm such an impatient person . . . I hate waiting.
- This song could have been written from my heart's thoughts and longings . . . a beautiful picture . . . oh that I might live in the tears and the questions - "Blessings" by Laura Story
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Jackson
So Jackson . . .
For the past 4 years now, I have spent Spring Break in Jackson Mississippi. Each year, I find myself more challenged and encouraged when I am there. And I see God working and moving and teaching in ways that oftentimes aren't visible to me when I am in Omaha. So I wanted to share the start of some of those musings. I think that there could be some bigger things that come from it all, but right now I'm here . . .
Reconciliation/Community
Perhaps one of the greatest concepts in Scripture is the concept of reconciliation. Reconciliation with God first of all, but, secondly reconiliation with each other. We talked a lot about relational reconciliation this week. Pastor Nettie talked about how relational reconciliation doesn't occur without intention, quality time and honesty. As I think about how that looks in my life, I know that I struggle with most of that, if not all of it. With the hurt and disappointment of relationships in my life (not just romantic), I find it harder to be intentional, knowing that there might be hurt and disappoinment and frustration. With school, time is an issue. And honesty doesn't come all that easily because of how much I try to protect myself. I know that life will be different after school is done, but life needs to look different for me. If I am single for the rest of my life, how does that reconciliation look? Where do those relationships come from? I don't want to do life without that relational reconciliation. And if God continues to call me to work in the secular world, how do I have a foundation of Christian community that allows me to be in the world, but not of it?
Long-suffering
I was struck by a conversation that occurred with Lee Harper, founder of a coffee shop that has become a center for reconciliation and change in a neighborhood that struggles with poverty and crime and disengagement. She talked about the expectation that we have that life should be easy. But the Bible doesn't tell us that. It tells us that the fruit of the Spirit includes long-suffering (patience). It tells us to love each other with long-suffering. It does not say that life is easy or that it should be but that we should rejoice in sharing in the sufferings of Christ. I think that I too easily get into the mindset that I must be doing something wrong if life isn't easy. But what if Christ has really called me instead to walk in the pain, so that His power might be displayed in my weakness. I don't suffer in my life, really. But there are difficult things . . . So how am I going to respond if life continues to be hard. If pain continues to be a part of my mantra? Oh that His power might be displayed through that and I might rejoice in long-suffering for however long He asks.
Hope/Expectation
So, I'm afraid. In a lot of ways, fear might be the overarching result of this week. Why? Perhaps because there is a flicker of hope and of expectation. . . will there finally be community, relationship, reconciliation in my life? But with that hope and expectation there is fear, because what if it doesn't happen? Am I again lost in the cycle of disappointment? When do you live in hope and expectation and when do you respond to the reality that is around you? How long is too long to wait? I don't want to live without hope, but sometimes reality seems so much stronger . . . Oh how I long to wait well.
For the past 4 years now, I have spent Spring Break in Jackson Mississippi. Each year, I find myself more challenged and encouraged when I am there. And I see God working and moving and teaching in ways that oftentimes aren't visible to me when I am in Omaha. So I wanted to share the start of some of those musings. I think that there could be some bigger things that come from it all, but right now I'm here . . .
Reconciliation/Community
Perhaps one of the greatest concepts in Scripture is the concept of reconciliation. Reconciliation with God first of all, but, secondly reconiliation with each other. We talked a lot about relational reconciliation this week. Pastor Nettie talked about how relational reconciliation doesn't occur without intention, quality time and honesty. As I think about how that looks in my life, I know that I struggle with most of that, if not all of it. With the hurt and disappointment of relationships in my life (not just romantic), I find it harder to be intentional, knowing that there might be hurt and disappoinment and frustration. With school, time is an issue. And honesty doesn't come all that easily because of how much I try to protect myself. I know that life will be different after school is done, but life needs to look different for me. If I am single for the rest of my life, how does that reconciliation look? Where do those relationships come from? I don't want to do life without that relational reconciliation. And if God continues to call me to work in the secular world, how do I have a foundation of Christian community that allows me to be in the world, but not of it?
Long-suffering
I was struck by a conversation that occurred with Lee Harper, founder of a coffee shop that has become a center for reconciliation and change in a neighborhood that struggles with poverty and crime and disengagement. She talked about the expectation that we have that life should be easy. But the Bible doesn't tell us that. It tells us that the fruit of the Spirit includes long-suffering (patience). It tells us to love each other with long-suffering. It does not say that life is easy or that it should be but that we should rejoice in sharing in the sufferings of Christ. I think that I too easily get into the mindset that I must be doing something wrong if life isn't easy. But what if Christ has really called me instead to walk in the pain, so that His power might be displayed in my weakness. I don't suffer in my life, really. But there are difficult things . . . So how am I going to respond if life continues to be hard. If pain continues to be a part of my mantra? Oh that His power might be displayed through that and I might rejoice in long-suffering for however long He asks.
Hope/Expectation
So, I'm afraid. In a lot of ways, fear might be the overarching result of this week. Why? Perhaps because there is a flicker of hope and of expectation. . . will there finally be community, relationship, reconciliation in my life? But with that hope and expectation there is fear, because what if it doesn't happen? Am I again lost in the cycle of disappointment? When do you live in hope and expectation and when do you respond to the reality that is around you? How long is too long to wait? I don't want to live without hope, but sometimes reality seems so much stronger . . . Oh how I long to wait well.
Blessed
This requires a separate entry. This past week I experienced something that I have never experienced before. . .
I spent 3 to 4 hours with a friend, a mentor, a hero of mine. She is one of those Godly women who oozes wisdom and compassion. She allowed me to take instead of give. She allowed me to share instead of ask. She allowed me safety and honesty without judgment.
And then she did something incredible . . . she prayed.
I'm not talking about a few sentences of prayer. I am talking 15 minutes of petition to the God of the universe. It was real and honest. She prayed for all of the things we had talked about for the last 3 hours, in detail. I'm not sure that I can put words to how significant that was for me. Perhaps it was the simplicity of someone listening or the transparency of her relationship to the One who controls all. I'm not sure, but I do know that it was a balm to my soul, it was a reminder of my God who loves and listens.
Wow . . . that we might all be that blessed.
I spent 3 to 4 hours with a friend, a mentor, a hero of mine. She is one of those Godly women who oozes wisdom and compassion. She allowed me to take instead of give. She allowed me to share instead of ask. She allowed me safety and honesty without judgment.
And then she did something incredible . . . she prayed.
I'm not talking about a few sentences of prayer. I am talking 15 minutes of petition to the God of the universe. It was real and honest. She prayed for all of the things we had talked about for the last 3 hours, in detail. I'm not sure that I can put words to how significant that was for me. Perhaps it was the simplicity of someone listening or the transparency of her relationship to the One who controls all. I'm not sure, but I do know that it was a balm to my soul, it was a reminder of my God who loves and listens.
Wow . . . that we might all be that blessed.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)