The ugliness

There's an ugly part of me that tries to stay hidden, but tends to come out in the most inopportune times.

I struggle with not being seen. Being forgotten. Feeling unwanted or unnoticed. Not remembered. Not being significant to even just one.

The need to be significant can rob me of my joy...more often it makes me ungrateful and ugly. And I become protective of myself.

The lie is that I need significance in or through other people. The truth is that I am significant in the life of Jesus. I am treasured and precious, and sacrificed for by the Son of God. When will that truly resonate in my heart so that fading in the background is not a burden but a ministry of listening, of serving?

Christmas is that time of year when this ugliness flares and family time becomes hard instead of joy. But love is laying down your life for what is best for someone else and I want to love like that. Without regard for myself, but with the desire to have others' feel so loved and significant. Knowing that is enough and I can rest in that love that Christ has for me-so much that He continues to lay down His life for me.

I realized this week that I have forgotten what it was like to have someone in my life that wanted my honesty, that wanted relationship, that wanted authenticity. I have forgotten what it was to have someone who might be upset if I didn't call or come over when I was struggled, who wanted to struggle with me. I have forgotten what it was like to have love in my life, not romantic love, but true brotherly love. Love that wants to forgive wrongs, love that is patient and kind.

But this is what I am realizing...this community that God is giving me and challenging me to live life in...this is what I truly desire, that kind of love and authenticity.  And then it's not about my significance, but about laying down all of me for all of them.

Laughter and Provision

This advent, I'm struck once again with the concept of waiting...we find it all over the stories in the Bible. But do we really know it, live it, see the blessing in it? What do we miss when we miss the waiting?

I'm trying to be intentional this advent season...as I wait for Christ and Christmas to remind me once again of His amazing story and grace...to reflect on the stories of waiting. Do you know the story of Isaac? The one whom Abraham and Sarah waited for as an answer to a promise. Sarah laughed when she found out that she would carry this child...perhaps she laughed in disbelief, or perhaps she laughed at the wonder and mysteriousness of God.
               Do you think that God laughed too as He delighted in their surprise,
               in their amazement?

That child, named Isaac...that name, means laughter. My mind imagines a house of deep joy and laughter of this gift given after much waiting.

That child, now asked to be the sacrifice. I wonder if Abraham was struck by the laughter of a little boy, whose name is laughter, as he led him to the place he knew would be a place void of any kind of laughter...to the place of sacrifice.

But God provided a better sacrifice, and, can you hear it?
Laughter. Joy in a gift given freely, in a little boy, whose name is laughter.
           Do you think God laughed, deep joy laughed,
           as He watched them celebrate?
                    Do you think that Isaac looked back, many years later
                    and laughed with amazement at his story?

Can you imagine a season marked by laughter,
               deep joy laughter,
                        at the grace gift freely given?

That's the season I want. To live a story of waiting,
knowing that the place of sacrifice brings a celebration and laughter,
deep joy laughter.

Gratitute

This month of Thanksgiving, I have been trying to focus on being thankful. But not just on giving thanks, but on knowing deep-down gratitude for all of the many gifts, recognized and unrecognized, that are.. everyday. This is my picture of grace and gratitude this month.

1 - rest, words that have meaning, parents who care
2 - chick-fil-a, warm shower, conversations with brother
3 - football games, chocolate, sweatpants
4 - conversations with friends, truth teaching, grading already done
5 - a twin sister who teaches me to not complain, a clean apartment, the calm of a spirit that doesn't have to rush to go do something but can sit and be
6 - perfect timing, a God who sits on the throne, answers for Grandma
7 - a kindred spirit friend, busy days, Gospel truth
8 - sleep, a new haircut, dinner with a new friend
9 - new recipes, grocery stores and money to buy groceries, more than enough
10 - football games, an unusual warm November day, a God who whispers He loves me
11 - praising God with kid's music, a friend who notices, God who is grace and truth
12 - a coffee shop to focus on grading, leftovers, made in image of God with unique strengths and personality
13 - words to speak truth with grace, a night to sit on the couch, music
14 - teaching opportunities , laughter, God who gives a heart like His
15 - answered prayer, sleep, stories of others' hearts
16 - funny phone calls, a clean apartment, friendship
17 - people who want to talk, grateful patients, an opportunity to serve
18 - two feet, a beautiful picture of a life of servitude, my bed
19 - safety in travels, reading stories, a puppy greeting
20 - soul settling, worship songs by 3 year olds, a 9 year old who still wants to hug his aunt
21 - a pair of warm socks, serving, movie night
22 - kindness with words, plenty, giggles from grandma
23 - spinning girl, brother who wants me around, warm blankets
24 - shopping, chick-fil-a, understanding
25 - worship in any language, grace, Christmas music
26 - catching up with friends, just enough time, rest
27 - words to speak wisdom, passion for a lifetime work, warm showers
28 - patience, grace to love and serve, wristbands and bowling
29 - rest, a good story, a completed task
30 - the hope of Christmas, memories of movies made better with sisters, abounding grace

Story

We have been talking living a better story at church. And at my small group, we are telling a part of our stories each week. This was my week...and this is the story that I shared...

I have to start my story by saying that I grew up with amazing blessings and with an incredibly rich heritage of faith. My grandparents and my parents lived what they believed. I grew up hearing Bible stories, helping at church, and talking about the difference Jesus makes in your life. As a young child I decided that I believed that God was who He said He was and I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and be my Savior. The first time I remember publicly standing up to say that was as 4^th grader at camp. I look back at my high school and college self and I know that I made a lot of mistakes…but I also know that I was honestly seeking to be who God wanted me to be, to live and understand who He was and how He wanted to use me.  But along the way, growing up, there were things that happened that made me start believing some lies…mainly lies about my worth, my significance, my lovability…and without Jesus I really believe that those lies would destroy me. I can’t tell you honestly that I still don’t fight against those lies everyday. But, the amazing thing about Jesus is that He keeps pursuing me and He keeps whispering the Truth to me.

When I think about telling my story, there is a part that I don’t really want to talk about because it seems like it shouldn’t be a big deal. But I know that it has been a big part of my life. I can honestly say that my life is nothing like I dreamed it would be as a little girl. I was a fall in love, have lots of kids, be a mom kind of girl. My whole life my dream has been to be a Godly wife and mom. But I am 32 and unintentionally single, and smack dap in the middle of career life. Not what I would have chosen. I have wrestled with God for years about this dream and surrendered it more times than I can count. But I think that if I’m honest, it was a long time until I truly surrendered it. I think I often said to God, “You can have anything else, but please don’t make me give this up.” Thank God He is patient. There is not often a day that goes by that I don’t have a conversation about being single…it’s not something that I want to talk about everyday, but evidently others do. People want an answer, they want to explain it, they don’t understand it, they want to fix it. Unfortunately, they are not always very tactful and often serve to whisper the lies again to my heart of being insignificant or unloveable or not worthy of relationship or just not really fitting anywhere. Fortunately, the blessings that have come from the freedom that singleness gives are overwhelming and too many to count. I know that this is a way that God has chosen in my life to reveal His grace. I can tell you that He has been a husband to me and He has placed Godly men in my life exactly when I needed a tangible someone to carry the burden for awhile. And even though I still wouldn’t choose this way, I am so very grateful that He knows what is best for me.

I believe so strongly in the idea of community and living in community and walking with others to live life together. Of the honesty and relationships that happen when people really commit to sharing their lives, the good and the bad. And I believe that God wants us in community. That’s why I can’t really explain the last 10 years of my life. They have been harder than I would have ever imagined. They have been, for the most part, without any sense of community. Everything I tried, every step that I took would seem like a closed door. It was a time of intense loneliness and a lot of questions. And a lot of surrender. I think God slowly stripped away absolutely everything that I might rely on or look to for significance…friendship, relationships, dreams, work, financial security…and just when there didn’t seem to be anything else left, He’d take one more thing. At times, I could hear God saying…”will you still serve me? Are you giving me everything?”  And I’d surrender again. There were times where I wasn’t sure I would survive the questions and the loneliness and then God would give me just a glimpse of community or an answered prayer. And then He’d ask for just one more thing. The funny thing about loneliness and surrender is that it tends to sharpen your perspective. And as I wrestled with all of the things that didn’t seem to line up with God’s character, with pain and with sorrow, I came to understand God’s character in a way that amazed me and I knew, really knew deep down, not just in my head but in my soul that He was truly all I needed.  If I never had community or if I never saw how He was changing and using me for His kingdom, I could rest in His character. I can say today that whatever He chooses to give me is just extra blessing. There is a trust and a dependence on Him that I didn’t know was possible.

I can’t really tell you when I first realized that perhaps He was giving me back community. But I can tell you that right now, I am overwhelmed everyday with His presence and with the ways that He is answering my prayers. And daily I see Him working and I hear more times than I can count Jesus whisper to me, ”I love you, just as you are.” The difference that Jesus has made in my life is everything. He is the only reason I have any significance or worth. And no matter what comes, I know that He is so completely trustworthy and faithful and so very good.

It's Okay

The holiday season is always an interesting one for me. This one was no exception and particularly different...but no matter how much I try to prepare myself, I never know what emotions will strike me, nor when. I have to be honest and say that I spend a lot of time praying that I will be able to revel in the joy of the season, of others and not be reminded at every turn that there is not my own family to be engrossed in.

Being single for so long, I have become accustomed to laying down my dreams and grieving, in a sense, for the loss of those hopes, those dreams that are associated with finding love and having a family. I thought that I had dealt with a lot of them. But this Christmas, one appeared that I had not even considered before. It happened after a conversation with my sister about her experiences with the grandmas in her Christmas and about what kind of grandma she wanted to be. And reality is sometimes harsh, but undeniable...there is a strong possibility that I will never be a grandma. There will come a time when my siblings have their own children and grandchildren to celebrate Christmas with and I wonder ...

I have been more than blessed with amazing grandmas in my life...and perhaps even more because I have been single, I have had conversations and time with them that I treasure and cherish. I miss my grandma who made Christmas (and so many other things) so special, and my heart hurts for the sadness and struggles that my other grandma is experiencing. Maybe that's why it struck especially hard this year. And so this Christmas season, amidst the joy and celebrations, I wept for the loss of that dream - of no grandchildren to wait for, to hold, to delight in, to pray for, to cherish.

There are so many things that I am grateful for in my life and so many ways in which I am blessed...but I think that it is okay to pause and to grieve for this dream... knowing that if someday God does choose to give it back to me it will be so much more than I deserve.