Take Every Thought Captive

I'm realizing that I am lazy. As I struggle, I recognizing that I have let slide some of those key holy habits . . . not that I have stopped doing them, but I have stopped the intentionality and consistency with which I do them. And as a result my mind has become lazy and sloppy.

Here's the thing. Life isn't easy. God never promised it would be, and He never said that our relationship with Him would be easy either. That's the thing about relationships. They require work and dedication and time and commitment and habits. Why would I ever think that my relationship with Christ should be any different? Scripture speaks of the work of becoming like Christ. Only three places does it use the word "metamorpho" which is like the work of metamorphosis. It takes a heck of a lot of struggle for a caterpillar to break through a cocoon. "Metamorpho" is used in the transfiguration of Christ. It is in Romans 12:2 where we are told to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. And it is in 2 Co 2:18 as it talks about being transformed into His likeness. There is no easy way to becoming like Christ. It is struggle, it is sweat, it is work. Sometimes I get sucked into the mentality of the world that things should be easy and struggle must be bad. But I want a relationship that means something because I have invested into it, I have fought for it, I have struggled to understand it.

And so I'm working to take every thought captive (2 Co 10:5) and to be filled with hope (Ro 15:13). I am working to intentionally invest time and consistently study to more fully understand the unchanging character of God. I am working to communicate more freely, more honestly to the one who intercedes on my behalf. Because I'm tired of being lazy.

Loneliness

It seems to hit at the strangest times, without the slightest warning, and with the strongest force. Sometimes it is a word or a song. Other times it is an innocent comment about how people should really have kids in their 20s. These days it is often driving in the car with the prospect of returning home, once again, to an empty apartment. And it comes with such a strength that sometimes I can't catch my breath.

I don't really know what to do in those moments. I'm trying to stop focusing on me. . . but I wonder sometimes if God is really just calling me to be honest with Him. And I'm learning that my honesty doesn't surprise Him, it doesn't overwhelm Him. When I try so hard to keep it all together for everyone else, and feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, I'm recognizing that He is the only place that I don't have to do that.

Valentine's Day

 Rejoicing in all that waiting has taught me . . .

I have learned a lot about love being single. I think that the longing for love in my own life makes me see love more clearly in the lives of others. There are people in my life that would say that my expectations are too high, but I know that love is not easy. I know that love, above all, requires commitment. I know that there are days when it's hard to like the other person. I know that there are days when you feel abandoned and mistreated. I know that it's hard to always sacrifice, to speak with respect, to give when you feel like you have nothing left.

But I know that love is wonderful. It is wonderful in its ability to hold you up under so much sorrow. It is wonderful in its constant devotion. It is wonderful in its desire to be around even after so many years.

I see love all around me. But most vividly in the relationships of my family. My older sister and her husband have that once-in-a-lifetime, romantic, passionate relationship that you think exists only in the movies.  They have been together since junior high, but they are more in love today than I ever thought would be possible. They understand and accept each other in incredible ways. Among the laughter and love has been great sorrow. I have watched them love each other as they grieve great loss. There really are men in the world who climb up into the hospital bed to hold you as you weep, and my brother-in-law is one of them. Their love speaks to a dependence that makes you strong and a comfort that makes you honest.

My twin sister has a "don't know where it came from" love story. Hers is a relationship orchestrated by the hand of God in every way. Theirs is a relationship seeped in respect. I have learned so much about honoring and bringing respect to another person through them. I'm not sure I have ever heard them say a negative thing about each other. You can see their love when they look at each other – their eyes say, "You amaze me." I watch my brother-in-law and know that I am seeing what it really means to cherish and protect someone. I watch my sister and I see a Proverbs 31 woman who brings glory to her husband in all of the ways she serves her household.

My parents have a love that doesn't always make sense. But it is a love that has stood the test of time and trials. It is a love of deep commitment. I have learned from my parents that you choose everyday to love someone. It is not always a feeling. It is always a choice. Theirs is a love of sacrifice and of looking for and loving the good in another person. I see in them the ability to grow together, to change together, to live life together despite the fact that it doesn't always make sense. I don't think many obtain the depth of love that I see in my parents.

My brother's love story is just beginning. He loves deeply and feels intensely even though he doesn't always show it. His love is loyal and gentle. And he loves in such a way that makes you feel wanted and enjoyed. Their love is new and full of joy and excitement and wonder. It teaches me to remember the hope of pure love.

Love is all around me. In the people around me, in the relationships around me, in the way that others love me. And I see it differently because I don't yet have a "love" to call my own. So while love for me is not an easy thing it is still there. It is all these pictures that combine to create a masterpiece that keeps unfolding and revealing another beautiful layer. It is not simple. It is not complex. The love that I see around me is the real thing.

That's what I'm waiting for. Not a fling. Not a quick fix. But a deep understanding and commitment that is bigger than differences and stronger than sorrow. Love that knows you and keeps on loving anyway.

Belonging

I've been thinking a lot about belonging. Perhaps it is the feeling that I just don't quite fit anywhere. Or maybe's it's because of the desire to really make a difference somewhere, for someplace, some person. And I've been thinking about how God always wants to be in a relationship with me. I think that is such a hard concept to wrap my head around. Not because I don't want to be in relationship, but because I struggle with thinking others don't really like to be around me.

But if I really lived like I believed God wanted to be in relationship with me and I was never alone and always belonged somewhere, what would that look like in my life? And how do I make others feel included, invited, enjoyed, wanted?  I just wish I were better at that - at the believing and the doing.