Perspective

Everyone has hard things in their life. Being single doesn't mean I'm any less or more prone to those hard things. But there are a couple of things that I get tired of dealing with over and over again. I wish that my response would be different, but it seems to be the same each time and that annoys me. Because I want to be different, I want to grow and learn...I want to not be drawn back into the comfort, to the safety of my wounds. Because, let's be honest - there is a comfort or safety that happens when we return to feelings and thoughts that stem from wounds. At least we know what to expect there. At least we can wallow there if we want to, because don't we deserve to respond to wounds? But, here's the thing: I don't want to be captive to those wounds. Those wounds wouldn't be wounds if I could just look up and remember the bigness of God and His eternal plan. What if I could just pause and fight to change my perspective?

I recently was set up by a friend...on a date. Usually that's not a problem because when people say that they are going to set you up, it rarely happens. BUT this time it did. And let's just say it was not fun (and I'm watching my words here because I feel quite strongly about it!). I laughed it off at first, but also felt compelled to give the guy a second chance...maybe he was just super nervous, because, let's face it, I'm pretty awesome right?

The second date was better only by a margin and only because I had decided to not try to force it. I tried hard to laugh that second date off, but, who are we kidding? My mind went into overdrive:

• Really, that's what my friend think would be compatible to me?
• Seriously, if you're really interested don't you want to ask some questions?
• Do I not deserve to be pursued? Someone needs to remind me that I'm worth it.
• Is this it? Am I expecting too much? Am I suppose to settle for something like this? Can it really be this hard?
• What if this is my last chance?
• Is this really the best God has to give to me? (Where are the good gifts for me?)
• I really was doing ok, so why this? why now?  
• Not really interested in another date....ever...really.

Not a pretty thing, let me tell you. I got mad. I got hurt. And I finally brought it to the One who knows my every thought, who meets my every need. There's nothing like the surrender that occurs when you don't understand, when you don't have the answers but, instead, you trust...you repeat the Truth over and over again til your heart doesn't feel quite as battered. I don't know how to not go to the part of me that feels alone and abandoned. I don't know how to instead look at it through the lens of His grace, His love. Because His love, His plan for my life should overwhelm me...I should not be able to breathe because of Him - my response should be awe and unshakeable trust that He knows why, that He loves me more than I can understand...and each thing is for my good. Oh how I want my immediate response to be to go to Him instead of to go to that wounded place.

The other challenge is that sometimes, as a single person, it feels like life is moving forward all around you, but yours is stuck...stuck in the same pattern, the same place. It seems like others' lives keep going- relationships start, marriage happens, babies come, kids grow, summer comes with family vacation - the substance of life seems to go on around you and as much as you try to be a participate, the truth is that you are an outsider to family. There's a cycle in singleness where peoples' lives change and that means that your relationship with them has to change. Their priorities shift (rightly so), and so you are forced to redefine, to give up, to let go. Please hear me - I want their lives to grow and change, to be filled with all the goodness that comes with these new phases of life. I just don't particularly like change. I'm loyal to a fault sometimes. And that means that I often have to let go of what I want or what I feel like I need in relationships. I have to let go of feeling lost, alone or abandoned just because life changes. I have to remember that no relationship will ever be enough to give me what I think I need or want. I want to be one that gives all of me for whatever is best for them. But to do that I have to know that there is only One who will stay constant and consistent, who will not change and who will meet my every need. Oh how I want my immediate response to be to go to Him.

I am recognizing how selfish my heart is...how selfish my emotions are. And I'm recognizing the safety of staying there. But what I know is that I don't want to stay there. I don't want to be captive to those wounds. I want to live better, to respond better - to trust in the One who heals and who promises freedom. I want to be able to step back, take a breath, and look with a different perspective...His.