Merry Christmas

This is the season that I love the most. I love the traditions, the history, the meaning. It is this season that, for me, is all about joy. I know that I don't live in the joy of the Lord like I should, but Christmas shouts that joy. It is present in the incredible Christmas carols that speak of miracles, of hopes and of dreams.  It is in the noise and craziness of time with family. It surrounds the traditions of advent. It calls us to put aside self, to give and bask in the glory of the joy of others. When I think of all of those who don't have, I am so grateful that I get to celebrate in the unadulterated joy of children on Christmas morning. I am overwhelmed by how much I have to give, how much I have been given, and how much more I want others to have a piece of that joy. There are so many things that could be, and sometimes are, hard about this season... but I want to drink the joy, to believe the miracles, to live the dreams. That is my wish and my prayer, that the reason for this season would be joy incarnate and that His joy might abound more and more.

Being Thankful

I'm late in my thanksgiving posting, but not because I am not thankful. I think it is more because I am having such a difficult time putting exactly what I am thankful for into words. But I don't want to leave this season without recognizing and giving voice to it. So...

• I am thankful that I don't have a "real" job right now. 
• I am thankful that while I can't figure out how to help, support, encourage in just the right way, I am enough just as I am.
• I am thankful that life is messy and unknown, but that there is peace... most days.
• I am thankful for a new Bible Study group.
• I am thankful that there is a mercy that protects me and a grace that upholds me.
• I am thankful for the waiting.
• I am thankful that there are no surprises for God.
• I am thankful for the innocence and honesty of children - I am thankful for their faith that makes me believe more fully, understand more deeply, and remember more completely.
• I am thankful for coffee mugs, a working car, warm slippers. 
• I am thankful for a God that keeps pursuing, who never leaves.

I don't understand the graciousness of God in my life. I can only attempt to put into words how overwhelmed I am by the presence of God... everyday. He is the foundation that does not shake. He is peace amidst unrest. His is the comfort that sustains. I don't deserve it, I can not earn it, and yet He gives more than I have asked for...

For that, I am thankful.

Messy

So I'm the girl who used to spend awhile (we don't really need to be put a time frame on it, do we?)  in front of the mirror to make sure that every hair was where it was suppose to be. I remember the frustration if it didn't look just right or if I couldn't get that piece to lay just where I wanted it. But tonight I walked past the mirror and was struck by the messiness of my hair. I had haphazardly pulled it away from my face and just let it be - and it was one of those rare moments when I thought, "Huh, I sorta look beautiful."

Imagine that... I was so struck by the parallel to my life. There was a time when life didn't seem so messy - I could explain a lot of it, and put things in their place. When life didn't make sense, I just worked at it and pretty soon, it straightened out. But now... there is a lot that can't be explained or even rationalized. No matter what I do, how long I work to make it right, sometimes it's just messy. If there's anything that I'm recognizing, it's that too often there isn't a place for everything. Sometimes life's just messy. Maybe it is the messiness in our lives that is actually beautiful. Imagine that...

So I want to be messy - to not make excuses for it, to not try to fix it, but to look for the beauty in it. Life is messy, but I'm beautiful in spite of it, and I pray, maybe even because of it.

Craving

For a long time I have struggled with the part of being single that feels selfish...basically getting to do what I want when I want to and not really having to think much of anyone else. I think about the mothers that I know whose time is not their own and marvel at how selfless they have to be. But I wonder if there isn't also a part of singleness that is teaching me to be less selfish. It is the part of me that wants it to be about me...that longing to be the most important person to someone, for the presence and the conversation that focuses on my day...it is that craving to be significant to just one other.

I think that God is trying to teach me that in order to love like He does, I have to be willing to give more than I get and to love without the expectation of reciprocation. 'Cause it's really never just about me, and it never should be. How I desire that ability to love full out without needing affirmation back or even the knowledge that it was noticed or appreciated. How I long to surrender, everyday, to that selfishness in me that wants to be significant. It is a battle that I lose a lot of days. But on the days where there is victory? What great delight... I rest in the significance I find in His presence, His grace, His love...and I find myself craving more of that kind of selflessness. 

Thunderstorms

I love thunderstorms. There's something about the power of the thunder, the beauty of the lightening, the sound of the rain that makes me marvel. Perhaps it reminds me of the storms in my life...the sometimes scary, but often beautiful things that, when they pass, leave behind peace and calmness and a sense of security. For me, the rain is such a vivid picture of the old things being washed away and the hope of a new moment, a fresh start, the chance to begin again.

But oftentimes thunderstorms make me wish for someone to snuggle up with. When I let my mind go there, it is often those little things that I miss the most. Well, maybe not miss, but wish for... a hand to hold, someone to cook dinner with or for, a kiss, someone who looks at you "that" way, laughter...

Only when I let my mind go there, my heart goes there and then I start longing for the real things that are part of relationships...

So instead, I choose to let the thunderstorm be the reminder to cherish the little things, to love full out whenever given the chance, to give instead of take, to laugh instead of cry, to be thankful...

Some days

I think I'm a pretty stable person...well put together...not a ton of issues...

          but, then days like today come along and...


All I see are issues....
          when a simple comment or interaction is a WAY bigger deal than it should be, I remember....

                           the wounded-ness I said I really was going to work on with God

and how the enemy sometimes seems to hang on and not let go...


          I know I must work to somehow heal the broken-ness, to see God's truth and not hear the lies

to breathe
            pray
                be kind
                    stop grabbing

Pausing Time

There are times when I am so overwhelmed by the grace and goodness of God that I have to stop and pause time to take it all in. Recently it happened as I was sitting watching a Tulip Festival parade with a snuggling little girl. All around me were the happy and healthy nephews and niece that I love more than I can express, and I stopped to marvel that I get to love each one. There are times when I miss not having my own children, but I am so grateful for the grace and goodness of God . . .  what a gift to love these children.

I Get Tired

I get tired of answering the same questions with the same answers. These days it's all about the future. And my answer is the same - I don't know what I'm doing yet. I can tell you what I am doing in June. That's as far as I see right now. And I'm grateful to be able to see that far, because I'm not usually a person that has answers "dropped" in their lap...but this teaching thing sort of dropped in my lap. So, I'm grateful to be that person this time. I'm okay with only being able to see June. I wish other people were.

And then there's always the staple. Aren't you dating yet? (Or the similarly standard, Are you married? Do you have kids?) And the same answer - NO! But it's the follow up comments/questions that irritate you and replay in your head all day long!

You must be picky. NO. You have too high of standards. NO. You're getting older, you can't pick and choose. NO. You're pretty and smart, how come you're not dating? Ummm, thanks? You know you better get married soon if you want to have kids. Ummm, DUH.

People are really just insensitive, sometimes they don't have a clue. But other times, it's me who's too sensitive... Really most of the time it's my issue. I mean, seriously, other people can't possible know the times when every conversation about children or marriage or relationships makes me sad or feel alone. Maybe it's just that voice in my heart that keeps saying, "What's wrong with you?" that makes the tone of the voice or the look on the face irritating and annoying and unkind.

So tonight, for whatever reason, I'm irritable and annoyed and trying to convince the voice in my heart that there's nothing wrong with me...

I Lift My Hands

It never ceases to amaze me how often God speaks to me through music, how much it washes over the deepest part of me and brings truth and awareness, peace or conviction.

As I was driving home last night, with a mind reflecting and analyzing and praying, I heard a snippet of a sermon about Habakkuk. What struck me was that Habakkuk was in the midst of a difficult situation and this is what he did - He paused to remember all of the ways God had worked before. He paused to reflect on the character of God that does not change. The result? He saw the faithfulness of God throughout the past, He knew without a shadow of a doubt that God is who He says He is . . . always. And Habakkuk could only respond with praise and awe and trust.

For whatever reason, I didn't sleep well last night and found myself awake thinking, wanting answers and praying a lot . . .

This morning as I was driving to school early I heard this song, "I Lift My Hands,"
http://musicremedy.com/c/chris-tomlin/videos/i-lift-my-hands-53252.html?amp
calling me to be still and to remember the faithfulness and character of God: "As I pour out my heart, these things I remember, you are faithful God forever . . ."

And I am overwhelmed by the things that God has used in my life to display His faithfulness and unchanging character . . . So I lift my hands to the faithful God forever.

• A tree planted beside a stream at the corner of an orphanage in Ecuador
• Singleness that continues to reveal more of God's grace and redemption in my life
• Relationships with my siblings that rival the deepest friendships
• Jackson, Mississippi
• The rain falling around me as I sit beneath the shelter of a picnic table on a quiet, empty college campus
• A cup of coffee with or without conversation
• Nephews and niece who shower me with hugs and kisses and questions and always want to know when I'm coming back
• Small steps and three months in another country to reveal the passion of nursing
• Parents who don't mind if I call every night and also don't mind if I don't
• A flat tire, a car that won't start, an oil change that turned into much more expense
• A sophomore year of college . . . and a different junior year
• Washing dishes at a cabin sink and the swim that follows
• The absolute expanse of a jungle sky
• The book of Isaiah
• Not having direction or answers, but having to wait and learning to live in the waiting

Just a few, and many more left unspoken or unrealized. All the same, might I not forget today the faithfulness of God and may my response be praise and awe and trust.

Significance and Satisfaction

So, I didn't want to go to Bible study on Thursday ... and then I got there and saw the topic "Am I Alone?" and I wanted to run in the other direction.

Because I really didn't want anything else to tell me that I'm not alone, I'm never alone. I know that the Bible tells me that I am never alone, that God is with me, that, in fact, the Holy Spirit dwells in me - how could I ever be alone? And so I struggle with why I feel so alone all the time...

I don't understand the concept that God dwells in me ... I can't fathom what that means ... I often don't feel the comfort that should bring. But God is so concerned with fellowship and oneness. His whole nature speaks to community and being one. His design for marriage and family follows it. His desire for intimacy with man mirrors that covenantal relationship.

And scripture speaks strongly about that relationship and everything that we do to keep us from oneness and fellowship... we prostitute and whore ourselves away from God. That's shocking - or it should be. We do everything that we can to find our significance and our satisfaction in anything besides the living God, the one who dwells in us.

So, this is what I have been broken by at Bible study this week ... God has given us a holy desire or hunger for significance that is beautiful and wonderful when it is satisfied within the covenant relationship ... but what does God think when we say, "You're not enough for me? I'm going to find something else to satisfy ..."  This hunger to be significant can destroy us.

There is nothing or no one that can truly satisfy or bring significance apart from Christ, but I look to so many places and people and things to bring comfort, to bring worth. How that must break the heart of my Father. How that must sever the intimacy that I am so longing for and crying out for in my life.

And yet, here's the honesty . . . I don't know what to do with the fact that oftentimes these days, when I come to Christ, even when I spend hours in His presence, I still leave feeling so broken and alone - at peace and comforted, but . . . somehow unsatisfied.

And does the desire for relationship somehow become a search to be satisfied and significant?

Oh, that I might be satisfied in Christ alone and find my significance from the simple, and yet so complex fact that I am His child and He dwells in me.

For A Mind That Would Be Still

Sometimes I wish that I wasn't the type of person who thought about everything, who analyzed conversations and interactions again and again. It's exhausting sometimes. It's often overwhelming. It certainly isn't a sleep promoter! I thought I was getting better at letting go and remembering the God who understands it all and controls it so much better. The past couple of weeks have been a battery of thoughts, questions, analyzing. My brain hurts. I feel sort of like I have been in a wrestling match. I was just reading online a pastor's description of the wrestling match between Jacob and God. He spoke about the turning point when God touched Jacob and how Jacob would have had to cling instead of wrestle. In his desperation and clinging, he continues to ask, but his heart is changed. I'm not sure that I'm there yet, to the clinging with a changed heart . . . I still feel like I'm wrestling.

I am starting to wonder if marriage is really all it's made out to be. Perhaps it's just better (and easier) to forget about it. But as soon as I say that and start to feel it in my heart, I am bombarded with everything relationship. I go to Bible study and all we talk about is how God's ultimate design is relational. His very nature is relational (three persons). And His design of marriage actually mimics His relational nature. In Genesis, He actually pauses to point out that it is not good for man to be alone. Why? It's not because He made a mistake (it wasn't good like everything else) . . . rather, it seems to be He pauses to make a divine statement about His very nature. God is and created social order, with marriage/family as a display of that part of His character - to mirror the authority, submission, respect, love and honor that is a part of His relational nature and His design for marriage.

So then I am left to wonder . . . can we not just say that being single is the fallen part of this world? I know that Paul talks about how being single is actually better, but isn't relational living, that ultimate display of the nature of God, the redeemed design?  And if that's the case, why can't we start talking about relationships Biblically, about singleness as a result of the fall? When does the discussion begin about how Godly relationships look and should be carried out? What true dating and courtship should be about? How to truly display the character and nature of God in our relationships? How to combat the lies of the world that say that we can do what we want, be what we want . . . that in fact, doesn't being single allow us to do that, and so shouldn't we strive for that singleness longer? When will it be okay to call out the role of men in leading and pursuing relationships? When will it be okay for women to be pursued? And, I guess if being single is better, then what does that mean about how relationships look in that life?

And I wonder why we can't, as Christians, speak to truth. Isn't there ultimate truth that begs us to speak it, to display it? There is a right and a wrong - not everything is gray. Isn't that gray area just really a way to make ourselves feel better for not living or speaking the right and the wrong? I'm all about grace, but shouldn't it be founded on the fact that there is truth?

So I am wrestling with what that means, what it looks like, how to do it. And I'm fighting to understand it, fighting against the fallen-ness of the world. And I know that the only true way to accomplish that is to cling to the God of all truth, which I suppose means that at sometime I have to stop wrestling . . . I just wish I knew what that looked like.

The Random Thoughts that are this Day

Random thoughts that have peppered my day . . .

• I am so impressed when others notice the little things. When someone will say thank you for a seemingly small task or recognize the things that you do that you think no one ever sees. There is something about that that makes you feel so appreciated and seen. I want to be better at speaking to those things in other people. 
• I'm not really sure why it takes thirty plus years to even begin to understand that just as you are, you are loved by the Creator. Why is it that the opinions of others matter so much, and the truth of what God says seems to be pushed aside? Why do I constantly feel like I have to be different for others to really like me? Isn't it enough that God loves me . . . doesn't that mean that if others don't like me or think I'm all that special, it's their loss?
• Sometimes I feel like I am constantly trying to justify where I've come from and the things that God has been teaching me (or continues to have to try to teach me). I want so much to rejoice in those lessons, to have the vision to see where I have been and really understand where I am now. Knowing that where I am now is right where He wants me to be.
• I'm such an impatient person . . . I hate waiting.
• This song could have been written from my heart's thoughts and longings . . . a beautiful picture . . . oh that I might live in the tears and the questions  - "Blessings"  by Laura Story

Random thoughts . . . but those that surround my day nonetheless.

Jackson

So Jackson . . .

For the past 4 years now, I have spent Spring Break in Jackson Mississippi. Each year, I find myself more challenged and encouraged when I am there. And I see God working and moving and teaching in ways that oftentimes aren't visible to me when I am in Omaha. So I wanted to share the start of some of those musings. I think that there could be some bigger things that come from it all, but right now I'm here . . .

Reconciliation/Community
Perhaps one of the greatest concepts in Scripture is the concept of reconciliation. Reconciliation with God first of all, but, secondly reconiliation with each other. We talked a lot about relational reconciliation this week. Pastor Nettie talked about how relational reconciliation doesn't occur without intention, quality time and honesty. As I think about how that looks in my life, I know that I struggle with most of that, if not all of it. With the hurt and disappointment of relationships in my life (not just romantic), I find it harder to be intentional, knowing that there might be hurt and disappoinment and frustration. With school, time is an issue. And honesty doesn't come all that easily because of how much I try to protect myself. I know that life will be different after school is done, but life needs to look different for me. If I am single for the rest of my life, how does that reconciliation look? Where do those relationships come from? I don't want to do life without that relational reconciliation. And if God continues to call me to work in the secular world, how do I have a foundation of Christian community that allows me to be in the world, but not of it?

Long-suffering
I was struck by a conversation that occurred with Lee Harper, founder of a coffee shop that has become a center for reconciliation and change in a neighborhood that struggles with poverty and crime and disengagement. She talked about the expectation that we have that life should be easy. But the Bible doesn't tell us that. It tells us that the fruit of the Spirit includes long-suffering (patience). It tells us to love each other with long-suffering. It does not say that life is easy or that it should be but that we should rejoice in sharing in the sufferings of Christ. I think that I too easily get into the mindset that I must be doing something wrong if life isn't easy. But what if Christ has really called me instead to walk in the pain, so that His power might be displayed in my weakness. I don't suffer in my life, really. But there are difficult things . . . So how am I going to respond if life continues to be hard. If pain continues to be a part of my mantra? Oh that His power might be displayed through that and I might rejoice in long-suffering for however long He asks.

Hope/Expectation
So, I'm afraid. In a lot of ways, fear might be the overarching result of this week. Why? Perhaps because there is a flicker of hope and of expectation. . . will there finally be community, relationship, reconciliation in my life? But with that hope and expectation there is fear, because what if it doesn't happen? Am I again lost in the cycle of disappointment? When do you live in hope and expectation and when do you respond to the reality that is around you? How long is too long to wait? I don't want to live without hope, but sometimes reality seems so much stronger . . . Oh how I long to wait well.

Blessed

This requires a separate entry. This past week I experienced something that I have never experienced before. . .

I spent 3 to 4 hours with a friend, a mentor, a hero of mine. She is one of those Godly women who oozes wisdom and compassion. She allowed me to take instead of give. She allowed me to share instead of ask. She allowed me safety and honesty without judgment.

And then she did something incredible . . . she prayed.

I'm not talking about a few sentences of prayer. I am talking 15 minutes of petition to the God of the universe. It was real and honest. She prayed for all of the things we had talked about for the last 3 hours, in detail. I'm not sure that I can put words to how significant that was for me. Perhaps it was the simplicity of someone listening or the transparency of her relationship to the One who controls all. I'm not sure, but I do know that it was a balm to my soul, it was a reminder of my God who loves and listens.

Wow . . . that we might all be that blessed.

Take Every Thought Captive

I'm realizing that I am lazy. As I struggle, I recognizing that I have let slide some of those key holy habits . . . not that I have stopped doing them, but I have stopped the intentionality and consistency with which I do them. And as a result my mind has become lazy and sloppy.

Here's the thing. Life isn't easy. God never promised it would be, and He never said that our relationship with Him would be easy either. That's the thing about relationships. They require work and dedication and time and commitment and habits. Why would I ever think that my relationship with Christ should be any different? Scripture speaks of the work of becoming like Christ. Only three places does it use the word "metamorpho" which is like the work of metamorphosis. It takes a heck of a lot of struggle for a caterpillar to break through a cocoon. "Metamorpho" is used in the transfiguration of Christ. It is in Romans 12:2 where we are told to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. And it is in 2 Co 2:18 as it talks about being transformed into His likeness. There is no easy way to becoming like Christ. It is struggle, it is sweat, it is work. Sometimes I get sucked into the mentality of the world that things should be easy and struggle must be bad. But I want a relationship that means something because I have invested into it, I have fought for it, I have struggled to understand it.

And so I'm working to take every thought captive (2 Co 10:5) and to be filled with hope (Ro 15:13). I am working to intentionally invest time and consistently study to more fully understand the unchanging character of God. I am working to communicate more freely, more honestly to the one who intercedes on my behalf. Because I'm tired of being lazy.

Loneliness

It seems to hit at the strangest times, without the slightest warning, and with the strongest force. Sometimes it is a word or a song. Other times it is an innocent comment about how people should really have kids in their 20s. These days it is often driving in the car with the prospect of returning home, once again, to an empty apartment. And it comes with such a strength that sometimes I can't catch my breath.

I don't really know what to do in those moments. I'm trying to stop focusing on me. . . but I wonder sometimes if God is really just calling me to be honest with Him. And I'm learning that my honesty doesn't surprise Him, it doesn't overwhelm Him. When I try so hard to keep it all together for everyone else, and feel like I'm hanging on by a thread, I'm recognizing that He is the only place that I don't have to do that.

Valentine's Day

 Rejoicing in all that waiting has taught me . . .

I have learned a lot about love being single. I think that the longing for love in my own life makes me see love more clearly in the lives of others. There are people in my life that would say that my expectations are too high, but I know that love is not easy. I know that love, above all, requires commitment. I know that there are days when it's hard to like the other person. I know that there are days when you feel abandoned and mistreated. I know that it's hard to always sacrifice, to speak with respect, to give when you feel like you have nothing left.

But I know that love is wonderful. It is wonderful in its ability to hold you up under so much sorrow. It is wonderful in its constant devotion. It is wonderful in its desire to be around even after so many years.

I see love all around me. But most vividly in the relationships of my family. My older sister and her husband have that once-in-a-lifetime, romantic, passionate relationship that you think exists only in the movies.  They have been together since junior high, but they are more in love today than I ever thought would be possible. They understand and accept each other in incredible ways. Among the laughter and love has been great sorrow. I have watched them love each other as they grieve great loss. There really are men in the world who climb up into the hospital bed to hold you as you weep, and my brother-in-law is one of them. Their love speaks to a dependence that makes you strong and a comfort that makes you honest.

My twin sister has a "don't know where it came from" love story. Hers is a relationship orchestrated by the hand of God in every way. Theirs is a relationship seeped in respect. I have learned so much about honoring and bringing respect to another person through them. I'm not sure I have ever heard them say a negative thing about each other. You can see their love when they look at each other – their eyes say, "You amaze me." I watch my brother-in-law and know that I am seeing what it really means to cherish and protect someone. I watch my sister and I see a Proverbs 31 woman who brings glory to her husband in all of the ways she serves her household.

My parents have a love that doesn't always make sense. But it is a love that has stood the test of time and trials. It is a love of deep commitment. I have learned from my parents that you choose everyday to love someone. It is not always a feeling. It is always a choice. Theirs is a love of sacrifice and of looking for and loving the good in another person. I see in them the ability to grow together, to change together, to live life together despite the fact that it doesn't always make sense. I don't think many obtain the depth of love that I see in my parents.

My brother's love story is just beginning. He loves deeply and feels intensely even though he doesn't always show it. His love is loyal and gentle. And he loves in such a way that makes you feel wanted and enjoyed. Their love is new and full of joy and excitement and wonder. It teaches me to remember the hope of pure love.

Love is all around me. In the people around me, in the relationships around me, in the way that others love me. And I see it differently because I don't yet have a "love" to call my own. So while love for me is not an easy thing it is still there. It is all these pictures that combine to create a masterpiece that keeps unfolding and revealing another beautiful layer. It is not simple. It is not complex. The love that I see around me is the real thing.

That's what I'm waiting for. Not a fling. Not a quick fix. But a deep understanding and commitment that is bigger than differences and stronger than sorrow. Love that knows you and keeps on loving anyway.

Belonging

I've been thinking a lot about belonging. Perhaps it is the feeling that I just don't quite fit anywhere. Or maybe's it's because of the desire to really make a difference somewhere, for someplace, some person. And I've been thinking about how God always wants to be in a relationship with me. I think that is such a hard concept to wrap my head around. Not because I don't want to be in relationship, but because I struggle with thinking others don't really like to be around me.

But if I really lived like I believed God wanted to be in relationship with me and I was never alone and always belonged somewhere, what would that look like in my life? And how do I make others feel included, invited, enjoyed, wanted?  I just wish I were better at that - at the believing and the doing.

Winter

I can hardly read the book I'm reading right now. It is a book by Mark Buchanan called Spiritual Rhythm and it is about the seasons of life and learning to embrace and celebrate each one. Of course the first part is about winter. I have had a number of winters in my life, but most recently I feel as though I have been in winter for years, literally. My winter, I think, is sometimes interrupted briefly by another season, but winter always returns and all too quickly. As I read this book, I am weeping, because almost every word resounds in my soul. It is the feelings and the soul wrenching that I try to very hard to hide. And so, since I can't put it into words very well, here are the words of Mark Buchanan:

"Winter shames those in it. It feels like personal failure, something we've caused, or missed, or faltered in. We chide ourselves for being there. We're sure it's our fault. We wonder if we're crazy, lazy, stupid."

"... winter feels all-consuming and never-ending... winter is like that: it has to power to eclipse all the good we've stored up, and to plunge us into a nighttime that seems all we've every known and, worse, all we'll ever know. Winter hides God. It has the power to sever my knowledge about God from my experience of him, and to hold the two apart, so that my theology and my reality become irreconcilable."

"sorrow upon sorrow, trouble upon trouble, loss upon loss. Darkness eclipses light. Sadness consumes joy. Despair overtakes hope."


"Winter is friendless. In it, we experience a terrible, terrifying aloneness. Abandonment. Rejection. Isolation."


"Winter is when your heart is so closed up you can't image it ever opening again, your dreams so buried you can't conceive of them resurrecting."


But here's the thing - in all that darkness there is one thing that remains:
"He entered this darkness for you. There's no darkness in which he hasn't gone. There's no darkness he won't meet you in. There's no darkness that can hide him. There's no darkness he won't, in time, lead you out of."

So, I keep hoping for the break in snow, the early morning birds chirping, the first sign of buds on the trees. . . knowing that no matter what, Jesus is there.