The ugliness

There's an ugly part of me that tries to stay hidden, but tends to come out in the most inopportune times.

I struggle with not being seen. Being forgotten. Feeling unwanted or unnoticed. Not remembered. Not being significant to even just one.

The need to be significant can rob me of my joy...more often it makes me ungrateful and ugly. And I become protective of myself.

The lie is that I need significance in or through other people. The truth is that I am significant in the life of Jesus. I am treasured and precious, and sacrificed for by the Son of God. When will that truly resonate in my heart so that fading in the background is not a burden but a ministry of listening, of serving?

Christmas is that time of year when this ugliness flares and family time becomes hard instead of joy. But love is laying down your life for what is best for someone else and I want to love like that. Without regard for myself, but with the desire to have others' feel so loved and significant. Knowing that is enough and I can rest in that love that Christ has for me-so much that He continues to lay down His life for me.

I realized this week that I have forgotten what it was like to have someone in my life that wanted my honesty, that wanted relationship, that wanted authenticity. I have forgotten what it was to have someone who might be upset if I didn't call or come over when I was struggled, who wanted to struggle with me. I have forgotten what it was like to have love in my life, not romantic love, but true brotherly love. Love that wants to forgive wrongs, love that is patient and kind.

But this is what I am realizing...this community that God is giving me and challenging me to live life in...this is what I truly desire, that kind of love and authenticity.  And then it's not about my significance, but about laying down all of me for all of them.

Laughter and Provision

This advent, I'm struck once again with the concept of waiting...we find it all over the stories in the Bible. But do we really know it, live it, see the blessing in it? What do we miss when we miss the waiting?

I'm trying to be intentional this advent season...as I wait for Christ and Christmas to remind me once again of His amazing story and grace...to reflect on the stories of waiting. Do you know the story of Isaac? The one whom Abraham and Sarah waited for as an answer to a promise. Sarah laughed when she found out that she would carry this child...perhaps she laughed in disbelief, or perhaps she laughed at the wonder and mysteriousness of God.
               Do you think that God laughed too as He delighted in their surprise,
               in their amazement?

That child, named Isaac...that name, means laughter. My mind imagines a house of deep joy and laughter of this gift given after much waiting.

That child, now asked to be the sacrifice. I wonder if Abraham was struck by the laughter of a little boy, whose name is laughter, as he led him to the place he knew would be a place void of any kind of laughter...to the place of sacrifice.

But God provided a better sacrifice, and, can you hear it?
Laughter. Joy in a gift given freely, in a little boy, whose name is laughter.
           Do you think God laughed, deep joy laughed,
           as He watched them celebrate?
                    Do you think that Isaac looked back, many years later
                    and laughed with amazement at his story?

Can you imagine a season marked by laughter,
               deep joy laughter,
                        at the grace gift freely given?

That's the season I want. To live a story of waiting,
knowing that the place of sacrifice brings a celebration and laughter,
deep joy laughter.

Gratitute

This month of Thanksgiving, I have been trying to focus on being thankful. But not just on giving thanks, but on knowing deep-down gratitude for all of the many gifts, recognized and unrecognized, that are.. everyday. This is my picture of grace and gratitude this month.

1 - rest, words that have meaning, parents who care
2 - chick-fil-a, warm shower, conversations with brother
3 - football games, chocolate, sweatpants
4 - conversations with friends, truth teaching, grading already done
5 - a twin sister who teaches me to not complain, a clean apartment, the calm of a spirit that doesn't have to rush to go do something but can sit and be
6 - perfect timing, a God who sits on the throne, answers for Grandma
7 - a kindred spirit friend, busy days, Gospel truth
8 - sleep, a new haircut, dinner with a new friend
9 - new recipes, grocery stores and money to buy groceries, more than enough
10 - football games, an unusual warm November day, a God who whispers He loves me
11 - praising God with kid's music, a friend who notices, God who is grace and truth
12 - a coffee shop to focus on grading, leftovers, made in image of God with unique strengths and personality
13 - words to speak truth with grace, a night to sit on the couch, music
14 - teaching opportunities , laughter, God who gives a heart like His
15 - answered prayer, sleep, stories of others' hearts
16 - funny phone calls, a clean apartment, friendship
17 - people who want to talk, grateful patients, an opportunity to serve
18 - two feet, a beautiful picture of a life of servitude, my bed
19 - safety in travels, reading stories, a puppy greeting
20 - soul settling, worship songs by 3 year olds, a 9 year old who still wants to hug his aunt
21 - a pair of warm socks, serving, movie night
22 - kindness with words, plenty, giggles from grandma
23 - spinning girl, brother who wants me around, warm blankets
24 - shopping, chick-fil-a, understanding
25 - worship in any language, grace, Christmas music
26 - catching up with friends, just enough time, rest
27 - words to speak wisdom, passion for a lifetime work, warm showers
28 - patience, grace to love and serve, wristbands and bowling
29 - rest, a good story, a completed task
30 - the hope of Christmas, memories of movies made better with sisters, abounding grace