Story

We have been talking living a better story at church. And at my small group, we are telling a part of our stories each week. This was my week...and this is the story that I shared...

I have to start my story by saying that I grew up with amazing blessings and with an incredibly rich heritage of faith. My grandparents and my parents lived what they believed. I grew up hearing Bible stories, helping at church, and talking about the difference Jesus makes in your life. As a young child I decided that I believed that God was who He said He was and I asked Jesus to forgive my sins and be my Savior. The first time I remember publicly standing up to say that was as 4^th grader at camp. I look back at my high school and college self and I know that I made a lot of mistakes…but I also know that I was honestly seeking to be who God wanted me to be, to live and understand who He was and how He wanted to use me.  But along the way, growing up, there were things that happened that made me start believing some lies…mainly lies about my worth, my significance, my lovability…and without Jesus I really believe that those lies would destroy me. I can’t tell you honestly that I still don’t fight against those lies everyday. But, the amazing thing about Jesus is that He keeps pursuing me and He keeps whispering the Truth to me.

When I think about telling my story, there is a part that I don’t really want to talk about because it seems like it shouldn’t be a big deal. But I know that it has been a big part of my life. I can honestly say that my life is nothing like I dreamed it would be as a little girl. I was a fall in love, have lots of kids, be a mom kind of girl. My whole life my dream has been to be a Godly wife and mom. But I am 32 and unintentionally single, and smack dap in the middle of career life. Not what I would have chosen. I have wrestled with God for years about this dream and surrendered it more times than I can count. But I think that if I’m honest, it was a long time until I truly surrendered it. I think I often said to God, “You can have anything else, but please don’t make me give this up.” Thank God He is patient. There is not often a day that goes by that I don’t have a conversation about being single…it’s not something that I want to talk about everyday, but evidently others do. People want an answer, they want to explain it, they don’t understand it, they want to fix it. Unfortunately, they are not always very tactful and often serve to whisper the lies again to my heart of being insignificant or unloveable or not worthy of relationship or just not really fitting anywhere. Fortunately, the blessings that have come from the freedom that singleness gives are overwhelming and too many to count. I know that this is a way that God has chosen in my life to reveal His grace. I can tell you that He has been a husband to me and He has placed Godly men in my life exactly when I needed a tangible someone to carry the burden for awhile. And even though I still wouldn’t choose this way, I am so very grateful that He knows what is best for me.

I believe so strongly in the idea of community and living in community and walking with others to live life together. Of the honesty and relationships that happen when people really commit to sharing their lives, the good and the bad. And I believe that God wants us in community. That’s why I can’t really explain the last 10 years of my life. They have been harder than I would have ever imagined. They have been, for the most part, without any sense of community. Everything I tried, every step that I took would seem like a closed door. It was a time of intense loneliness and a lot of questions. And a lot of surrender. I think God slowly stripped away absolutely everything that I might rely on or look to for significance…friendship, relationships, dreams, work, financial security…and just when there didn’t seem to be anything else left, He’d take one more thing. At times, I could hear God saying…”will you still serve me? Are you giving me everything?”  And I’d surrender again. There were times where I wasn’t sure I would survive the questions and the loneliness and then God would give me just a glimpse of community or an answered prayer. And then He’d ask for just one more thing. The funny thing about loneliness and surrender is that it tends to sharpen your perspective. And as I wrestled with all of the things that didn’t seem to line up with God’s character, with pain and with sorrow, I came to understand God’s character in a way that amazed me and I knew, really knew deep down, not just in my head but in my soul that He was truly all I needed.  If I never had community or if I never saw how He was changing and using me for His kingdom, I could rest in His character. I can say today that whatever He chooses to give me is just extra blessing. There is a trust and a dependence on Him that I didn’t know was possible.

I can’t really tell you when I first realized that perhaps He was giving me back community. But I can tell you that right now, I am overwhelmed everyday with His presence and with the ways that He is answering my prayers. And daily I see Him working and I hear more times than I can count Jesus whisper to me, ”I love you, just as you are.” The difference that Jesus has made in my life is everything. He is the only reason I have any significance or worth. And no matter what comes, I know that He is so completely trustworthy and faithful and so very good.