The ugliness

There's an ugly part of me that tries to stay hidden, but tends to come out in the most inopportune times.

I struggle with not being seen. Being forgotten. Feeling unwanted or unnoticed. Not remembered. Not being significant to even just one.

The need to be significant can rob me of my joy...more often it makes me ungrateful and ugly. And I become protective of myself.

The lie is that I need significance in or through other people. The truth is that I am significant in the life of Jesus. I am treasured and precious, and sacrificed for by the Son of God. When will that truly resonate in my heart so that fading in the background is not a burden but a ministry of listening, of serving?

Christmas is that time of year when this ugliness flares and family time becomes hard instead of joy. But love is laying down your life for what is best for someone else and I want to love like that. Without regard for myself, but with the desire to have others' feel so loved and significant. Knowing that is enough and I can rest in that love that Christ has for me-so much that He continues to lay down His life for me.

I realized this week that I have forgotten what it was like to have someone in my life that wanted my honesty, that wanted relationship, that wanted authenticity. I have forgotten what it was to have someone who might be upset if I didn't call or come over when I was struggled, who wanted to struggle with me. I have forgotten what it was like to have love in my life, not romantic love, but true brotherly love. Love that wants to forgive wrongs, love that is patient and kind.

But this is what I am realizing...this community that God is giving me and challenging me to live life in...this is what I truly desire, that kind of love and authenticity.  And then it's not about my significance, but about laying down all of me for all of them.